How to Be When You Don't Know What to Say

I walked into the hospital room where a grieving widow wept over her husband’s sudden and unexpected death, and I had no words. My thoughts raced in a thousand directions. Should I even be here? What if my words sound like trite platitudes? How much of my own grief do I reveal as I seek to comfort her in her own extreme sorrow?

All of us experience moments when we don’t know what to say:

• When someone experiences a tragic loss, such as a death or a relational tear

• When someone is caught in secret sin

• When someone has been grievously sinned against

• When someone is fighting deep depression or crippling anxiety

What do we do when we don’t know what to say? Or better yet, how do we “be” when we don’t know what to say? Here are five brief scriptural thoughts to guide you:

1. Be Present – “Do not forsake your friend and your father’s friend, and do not go to your brother’s house in the day of your calamity. Better is a neighbor [friend] who is near than a brother who is far away” (Proverbs 27:10 ESV) Both sorrow and sin feed on isolation. We are created as embodied souls that thrive on being physically present with those we love. Remember that Jesus did not identify with us from afar, but he entered our space to be “Emmanuel: God with us.” Sitting silently with someone is by far better than not approaching someone at all. Even a well-meaning, slightly misguided text is usually better than saying nothing.
   

2. Be Patient – Whoever blesses his neighbor with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, will be counted as cursing. (Proverbs 27:14 ESV)

   
   

   As you try to reach out to someone who is grieving or dealing with shame, you need to let them set the pace. You may text them, and they don’t respond. You may ask to sit with them, and they aren’t ready or are overwhelmed with the care they are receiving. That is OK! Your communication with them is for their sake, not yours. Uphold them in prayer and wait on the Lord with them, remembering how patient and gentle the Lord is with each one of us.

   Practically, this might look like letting them know you are available, and letting them reach out to you when they are ready, checking in every few days with encouragement or a scripture verse.
   

3. Be Sensitive – “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver” (Proverbs 25:11, ESV).
   

   While we must not allow fear of saying the wrong thing to paralyze us, we can also be wise with our words. Focus on words of comfort and care and avoid words that turn the attention back on you. Especially guard against telling personal stories in a way that says, “I know exactly what you are going through.” The truth is, you cannot know exactly what they are going through because each circumstance is different, as is the response of each individual. It is better to respond to how they are feeling and doing with a simple, “I’m sure that is really heavy,” or “You are not alone.”

   One of the best ways to choose words carefully is to ask good, heart-revealing questions to help you understand the other person’s experience and perspective.
   

4. Be Biblical – “The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul; the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple; the precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes; the fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; the rules of the Lord are true, and righteous altogether.” (Psalm 19:7–9, ESV)

   The scriptures, especially the Psalms, provide a vast treasure trove of comfort, direction, correction, and life. We are wisest when our words are saturated in scripture. Not only do we avoid unhelpful and untrue statements such as “God won’t give us more than we can handle,” but conversely, scripture gives us infallible words that lead to worship and transformation (see Isaiah 55:10-13).

   Yet, surprisingly, not all use of scripture is biblical. We must ensure that we use scripture as God intended it to be used. 1 Thessalonians 5:14 provides a guideline for how to do this well as we discern the needs of the person in front of us – “And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.”

   Consider the context of the scripture passages you choose to share. What applies and what does not apply? Then consider the situation of your friend: do they need loving correction because they are sinning, or loving comfort because they are suffering? What aspects of the gospel apply that would encourage them as a saint?   (For more on this, see Mike Emlet’s helpful books Crosstalk and Saints, Sufferers, and Sinners available in the church library).
   

5. Be Spirit-Filled - “And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:18–21, ESV)

   Trust the Spirit to give you the words to say. He may remind you of a song that comforts the grieving person. He may give you a passage of scripture that you share and then apply briefly. He may lead you to be silent and listen to the other person as they pour out their heart, or he may lead you to pray meaningful, powerful prayers with them. Depend on him in prayer, and trust that he will lead you.

As I sat with that widow in the darkest of circumstances, the Lord guided me to be a helpful friend and faithful shepherd. As you apply these five principles, I am sure he will also guide you, using you as a weak but useful vessel of his loving care in the lives of others.